Alive Again
by professorland
Summary: Josh Ramsay from Marianas Trench meets a girl that's just as messed up as he is. Can they save each other from themselves? I'll keep trying to add more as I see fit. I may not add full chapters at a time, just so I can give you guys something to read.
1. Chapter 1

**My body trembled as I stood on top of the roof. The wind blew so hard that it felt as though it cut through my skin and I shivered as a result. But that wasn't going to change my mind. I closed my eyes but saw an intense white flash so I reopened them quickly and saw nothing. The hallucinations were becoming more intense but it was okay, it would all end soon. Arms out and eyes closed, I was ready to fall. Before I got to the edge, another huge gush of wind came and pushed me away from the edge and I fell hard on my side. "Fuck," I whispered as I sat up, rubbing my arm. I couldn't even die right. **

"**Micah, get down here!" I heard my dad scream.**

**You'd think that by now, my brother, Matt and I would've left. You'd think we would've the first time he ever laid his hand on me. Or the second. Maybe even the third. You know, maybe. Or… maybe the first time he pulled my pants down… Sorry for the side-track. His voice does one of two things to me: makes me completely numb or makes me remember and feel everything. And because of the 27 pills I'd taken a half hour before this, I was numb but sensitive to everything… "Now!" I heard him again. His words slurred a bit- he's drunk. I stood up, brushed my capris clean and opened the attic- to- roof door so that I could go back into our 3 story brick house. **

"**Yeah," I said to my dad, breathy as ever, as I reached the bottom of the stairwell. He was sitting on the couch, shirtless, with a beer in his hand and only a desk lamp on. I was trying to focus my eyes so that he wouldn't notice that I was high. "Where's your brother?" He asked me. Matt had gone out earlier with some girl. I didn't know where he was. "Upstairs, I think." I lied. I knew I lied, we all knew I lied but I couldn't help but do so. I was used to it. "Ey." He said. I hated when he said that… I never knew how to respond and not responding was automatic trouble. "What's up?" Dumb thing to ask. He looked away from the T.V and back at me. "Nothing I'm gonna talk to your black ass about. Go away, crusty ass nigga," he said. I put my head down and tried not to say anything. He became a drunk after my mom died. Matt and I are half-brother and sister. He's older, my dad's son. My mom was black and Italian and died when I was 4. Now I'm 17, living in hell. "Fuck you." I retaliated. Mistake. **

**He snapped his neck my way. "What the fuck did you say?" My eyes rolled back in my head and I made a squealing noise and I'm not sure where it came from. I was near the front door, so I grabbed the handle and tried to open it but couldn't. I started laughing. "Get out of my house." My dad said as he chugged the rest of his beer and chucked the can at my head. It hit me, making me fall to the ground. I somehow twisted the doorknob open and crawled out onto the porch. Poking my head into the thorn bush, I puked. I was pissed about that because it meant I was losing my high. I was okay with it, because I wasn't able to purge earlier in the day. "You okay?" I heard a guy's voice standing in front of me ask. I assumed it was my dad. "Fuck you!" I said again. "Okay, okay."**

**I finally pulled my head from the bush and saw a guy standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets. I looked him up and down. He had a thin frame, blue skinny jeans, random indie-band t-shirt and multi-colored Chuck Taylor's. His hair was cut short in the back and longer in the front, giving him a side bangs that had blue streaks mixed in with his black hair. It was dark out, but I could still see his brightly colored blue-green eyes staring back at me. I tried to be cool so I stood up. But instead of being cool, I ended up being me. So, I fell against my door and slid back down and my head hit the gold doorknob on my way down. "Oh, God! Are you…" He cut himself off by running up to me and trying to help me off of the ground. He was interrupted by my dad opening the door and by my head falling back on the wooden floor. I laughed hysterically again. **

** "Who the hell are you?" My shirtless and tanned "dad" asked the pretty eyed boy on my porch. "I'm Josh. Live next door." He answered tersely. "Whoops!" I said as I rolled over onto my stomach and trying to stand up. "Are you drunk in my house?" My dad fussed. I finally got up and leaned against the doorframe, one leg in the house, one leg on the porch. I noticed that my light blue jean capris had a dark blood stain on the right knee. Oh well, I'll fix that later. I turned my head sideways and collected myself. "Dad, I've never had a drop of alcohol. I know your rules," I said with the straightest face possible. The pills were definitely fucking with me. My dad suddenly started growing Santa-like facial hair and I tried my damnedest not to laugh again. But because my dad was drunk, everything wasn't as it seemed.**

** He looked into my eyes for what felt like a few minutes and I didn't lose contact with him. After a while, Josh started to whistle. My dad looked at him and squinted his eyes. "Get off my property." He said. Josh backed up with his hands in the air. "Whatever you say, officer." How'd he know my dad was a cop? "Micah, house, now," I rolled my eyes and walked inside but stared at the boy still backing up off of our walkway. I smiled at him and he winked slightly before my dad slammed the door. Well, tonight was going to be fun. Good thing I'm already numb. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

** When Matt came inside, he made the second step from the bottom squeak which woke me up. I was laying on the bathroom floor that we share with my pants down and razor in my hand but no new marks. Looking around at the shower curtain pulled down, the vomit in the toilet- looks like I just passed out after purging. I stood up once I heard my dad's voice and Matt's back in response. I started walking out of the bathroom but caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror. Swollen left cheek, black eye and bruises on my neck. I didn't pass out from purging. He beat me again.**

** "Where were you?" I heard my dad yell and then something break. I pulled up my pants and tried to rush downstairs. I opened my bedroom door to run out but I couldn't. Something was blocking the door. I put my ear against it to listen. "Why's there blood on the porch?" Matt said. "Matthew Webb, I asked you a question," dad's voice was getting country at this point- that meant he was near blackout stage. **_**Blood on the… shit! **_**I thought to myself. I promised him I'd stop and now I know he knows I'm… whoops. I shook my head to clear it and kept listening.**

** I didn't hear many words after that, honestly. I heard screaming and things breaking. "You asshole! You hurt her again!" I heard Matt scream and then something else broke. When we were younger, Matt would get in trouble and to calm my dad down, I would throw myself in the way- let him hurt me instead of Matt, ya know? Now, it was the opposite and I couldn't find a way to help. Matt knew what he did to me. Matt always knew.**

** I started hearing things trickle at my window… rocks? I ran over to my plush bay window and looked down. That boy with the hair earlier was throwing little things at it and when he saw me, he waved me down. I opened my window out, like you would open a door. "What?" I whispered down pretty loudly. I was now suddenly aware of the time because I could see the sky starting to lighten up. 5:30? 6? "Come down here!" He shouted back up, clearly not caring about the time. "I…" I was going to tell him that I couldn't come down but I heard something else being thrown and more yelling. I should've gone downstairs, found a way to help my brother, but I knew I needed to get away. Far away.**

** "Please?" The guy said while pushing his hand through his hair. I would've denied him but I heard Matt screaming about me. How he needed to protect me. I couldn't handle that so I started to climb out of my window and used a water pipe to slide down. As soon as I did, he grabbed my hand. "Josh, by the way. I can tell you've already forgotten my name. Come on." He looked to his right, then left, and took off running. I followed right behind him and we ran down the street. We ran until we couldn't hear the screaming anymore and once I caught my breath, realized that we'd run two blocks over and stood in the middle of the street. I looked over at Josh, who I'd just realized had a tongue ring. He stood up while still trying to catch his breath and started to talk to me. "You met me before… A few weeks back…" He said between breaths. He put his arms above his head. "Woo! Anyway, your brother told me to come get you. Sent me a text earlier, that's why I was on your… on your walkway." He looked at me and his eyes against the lightening sky were just captivating. Well, kind of. There was something off. I ignored it.**

** "Why'd you have to…" He cut me off. "I didn't have to. And Matt didn't go into details. Just told me to get you away. Had a bad feeling or something." He shrugged and stood up. He pointed down the street. "Coffee?" He asked with a little smirk. This was all too weird. I didn't remember him from a few weeks ago. However, I do try to remain high whenever I'm awake. This was honestly the first time in about 15 days that I haven't taken any pills. "Yeah… sure." I said, still skeptical about him. **

** We walked the rest of the way in silence and when we got to the coffee shop, I sat down at a round table automatically. I didn't want coffee- it tastes like pure shit stain. "Can I get you anything?" Josh said nervously. He started moving from his tiptoes to his heels with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders shrugged up to his ears. He wasn't looking at me at all either but was talking directly toward me. "Are you high?" I asked between squinted eyes. He looked around at all the empty tables and smiled a little. "Shhh…" He said with his finger to his lips and winking at me. I leaned in closer. "With what?" It's weird, but I swear before he started to speak, my mouth started to water. I wanted whatever he was on. Scratch that, I needed whatever he was on. **

**** "Coffee," he whispered and winked again. Bullshit! I kicked the chair across from me out of frustration and it tipped over. He looked down at it slowly and then back at me. I slouched in the seat and crossed my arms. "Aw. Don't be like that." Josh said in a babying voice. It made me wanna punch him. But he poked out his bottom lip which made me wanna bite it. I hate people like him. "He picks up the chair slowly… and places it on the tiled floor so it makes no sound at all…" He said, narrating his every move. Once he stood it back up, I kicked it over again, making him laugh hysterically. Back in Black by AC/DC started to play and I reached for my phone that was tucked safely in my bra. **

_**Matt. **_**"Hello?" I answered. "Where the fuck are you?" My brother yelled through the receiver. "On Cresant and Umber. Old Coffee Mill with that Josh kid." I responded while watching Josh go up to the cashier to order coffee. He was sweating so hard that his hard was sticking to his face and his neck. He scratched his left arm and kept squinting his eyes whenever they'd come in contact with light. "Who? Look, just come home. Dad fell asleep. But I need to talk to you. Now." He sounded so authoritative… He sounded just like dad. "What's wrong?" I started to tap my foot rapidly and bite my bottom lip. "Just… shut up and come home." He hung up before I could respond to that. It scared me a little but it was Matt. I knew I was his favorite person ever and that whatever it was, it would be okay. Josh finally got two small coffees and started back for our table. He was shaking the whole time and it was evident by the sound of the sloshing liquid. He finally sat down after what seemed like ever and smiled at me. **

** "You won't be cold anymore." He said. The light hit his pretty colored eyes and I smirked a little bit. We didn't talk much over coffee, I'm honestly not even sure why I went or drank it- I honestly hate coffee. But getting away from home and getting to spend time with someone who actually seemed like they wanted to spend time with me was rare. At one point he looked at me but it seemed as though he was looking past me, through me, even. "Josh," I whispered, loud enough to get his attention. He blinked twice. "I've gotta go home."**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**After saying the longest goodbye to Josh and giving him my number, I walked into my house which was cleaner than I imagined it would be. There wasn't any sign of a struggle, and you couldn't even tell that there'd been a drunk madman running around shirtless on the bottom floor. There were candles lit and a glass vase on the coffee table with fresh cut flowers in them. This was all too weird, I thought to myself as I walked slowly towards the kitchen. I peered in the kitchen and saw a woman, about 5 foot 6 with long black hair standing at the stove and Matt sitting silently at the rounded wooden table. "So, when will your sister be back?" She asked while flipping a pancake. Her accent was light but it was definitely not local. The smell of the pancake alone made me want to vomit and I knew I shouldn't eat. I mean, I wasn't allowed to eat anyway. **

** "Any minute now, really." Matt said quietly, which is rare for him. He's the complete opposite of quiet. "Okay great. I'm so nervous!" She said in an upbeat fashion. I wanted to say something but I didn't know who she was. I couldn't speak just yet. "I remember she liked cinnamon pancakes with powdered sugar on them. That still true? Your dad used to make them for her and would cut them up and make little stacks for her! She loved knocking them over with her fork." She laughed like she'd known me forever but I couldn't place her for the life of me. Matt looked toward the entrance and saw me. He almost said something but I put my finger to my lips and he went back to talking to the woman. "Well, she doesn't really eat them that much now." I kept my food issues a secret, the pills too. Matt just knew about the… well, me hurting myself. I didn't know when I was planning on announcing my presence, but my phone vibrated, giving me away. The woman looked at me.**

** Her eyes were this light hazel color, which her olive skin accented. She smiled at me which made her eyes sparkle and she pushed her hair behind her ear. She had a small frame but wide hips and she wore form fitting clothes. "Oh my Bella." She said to me while dropping the spatula on the floor. My mouth opened a bit, mainly from shock. I looked at Matt at the table who shrugged and mouthed "sorry" to me. "Bella?" I said, while the memories started rushing back to me. "Mom?" I said skeptical. I'm still high, obviously, I thought to myself. That is, until she wrapped me in her arms and I smelled her hair. Christmas, this was my mom. "You're dead." I said to her. She shook her head. "No. I just… I left, baby. But not because of you and your brother. You both are my babies." She let go of me and looked at Matt. Matt smiled back at her and I knew she'd already convinced him that she was who she said she was. He always had a soft spot for my… our mom. "Um… dad said you're dead." "Your dad was wrong." She snapped at me. I stepped back a little. "Oooh, I'm so sorry about that, my Bella. I didn't mean to snap." **

** She walked back to the stove and turned off the heat on the front burner. I checked my phone- a text from Josh. "When you're done meeting your mom, come over." **_**How did he… **_**I heard rushing footsteps come down the stairs and my dad rushed passed me. "Mi amore!" He said to her and stretched his arms out. The woman hugged my dad who was dressed in his uniform to go to work. What time was it? I started to feel lightheaded and walked to the table and sat by Matt. My parents started talking to each other quietly and I looked at Matt. "I didn't know mom was coming today. I called you to tell you but dad told me…" "She's supposed to be dead." I started drumming my fingers on the table. "She ran away and left us here. Dad thought she died too. He didn't know." My dad was so mad at me for years because I looked just like her and by her dying, he always said she left him. But she actually did leave him and now comes waltzing back in and everything's okay? No! This did not get to happen.**

** "Just stay calm for now." Matt reached for my hand but I snatched it back. Everyone had been against me for so long. They knew this! They had to! "I swear, Maya." Matt looked dead at me when he called me that. He rarely called me Micah because when I was born, he couldn't say that. He always called me Maya and no one corrected him. "Kids, I've got to go to work." Dad came over to us and kissed my forehead and he tussled Matt's hair. "See ya later. Come home right after school." He then grabbed a bag off of the counter and kissed my mom's lips. "Bye, amore." He started out and she waved at him. She turned to us once the door closed and the both of us just stared. "I know this is weird but I'm back! For good." "You left me here." I said, still skeptical. "I didn't leave you, I just didn't take you with me." I twisted my face up. Matt laid his head on the table. "Same thing, Diana." "Matthew, I am your mother." He stood up. "You're not my mother! **_**My mother **_**wouldn't have left us with that asshole! **_**My mother **_**wouldn't have left my sister here to get tormented by him!" His arms were pressed onto the table, making it wobble a little. I just stared at the fruit bowl in the center.**

** "Matthew, I know you're hurt and confused but you have no right to disrespect your father! He's done nothing but…" "Hurt my sister since the day you "died" in the lake! No wonder we never found your body…" He pushed passed her and went up the stairs and into his bedroom. He slammed the door and Diana cringed. "Your brother's still a hothead!" She said smiling towards me. I could see her out of my peripheral but I stayed staring at the fruit bowl. I didn't know what to say to her or what to feel. So my emotions had shut off completely. She cleared her throat. "Well, I know it's been about 13 years but I've got you your favorite." She walked over to the stove. "You don't know my favorite anything. I mean, how would you? You left me here." I said simply. She sighed. "I know what I did was wrong. But I needed to get out." "I couldn't leave. Why didn't you take me?" "Things were harder back then, Bella." "Don't call me that." I stood up. "My mother called me that. And you're not her." I walked away and up the stairs to see Matt. I heard the rushing waters from the kitchen sink and the clanging of dishes. Hopefully she's leaving again, I thought to myself. **

** Matt's door was cracked and I walked into his room. He was standing in his closet with his back facing me. "Matty." He turned his head to the right and I could see that his cheek was wet. "That's not our mom." He said quietly. I didn't know how to react. Matt's never cried in front of me before. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. "I need to get out of this house." I whispered to him, trying not to cry myself. "I'm leaving for school in 30." He cleared his throat and started going through the shirts in his closet. I walked out and into my room next to his. I grabbed a black t-shirt and some black jeans, slipped them on along with some sneakers and climbed out of my bay window again. I hopped into the grass and ran across to the metal fence separating my house from Josh's. I climbed it and then ran up the back porch. The door was cracked some and upon walking in, I saw a guy bent over in the refrigerator. "What are your plans?" Josh's voice was light and airy as he closed the door and faced me with a piece of turkey hanging out of his mouth. **

** "About what?" I cleared my throat because I didn't realize how much emotion was actually in my voice. "Not knowing what to do or what you want isn't bad." He finished the turkey and started rummaging through the cabinets. He pulled out pretzels, chips, and a box of Cheez-Its too. He poured some from each bag into a medium sized bowl. "I'm not sure…" He popped a pretzel in his mouth. "I can understand you wanting to love her but you gotta remember that she left you too. And for what? Did she tell you that?" I was confused at how he knew so much but I didn't bother asking him. Whenever I began to talk though, he'd stop me midsentence to tell me how I felt. And he was right. He asked me 2 questions that I didn't get to answer before he interrupted me. By the end of his second interruption I noticed that he finished his bowl of snacks. He went back to the fridge. "Want something to eat?" He asked me. "No, I'm good." He pulled out a fruit cup and a Jello cup as well and slurped them down really fast. "You're sure eating a lot, huh?" I asked him. As soon as I did, he looked at me and then back at the two empty snack cups in his hands. He dropped them.**

** "Um… I didn't realize… Um…" I watched his face turn from a calm little boy to a panicked old man within a matter of seconds. "My room's the second on the right. I've got something I need to give you. Wait there." "But…" "Now!" He said quickly. I jumped back a little and did as he said. I heard a door close from downstairs once I made it to the top. I walked into his bedroom and automatically noticed that it was oddly neat for a boy his age. Besides the tower of Coke Zero cans he had in the corner, it was simple: bed with a black comforter on it, posters of bands everywhere- some current, some old. He had two guitars hanging on the wall, one by his bed and one by his dresser on the opposite side of the room. I sat on his bed and crossed my legs, waiting for him to come up. **_**My mom's back. **_

** About 3 minutes later, Josh came running up the stairs and smiled at me. "Sorry about that," he cheesed. I smiled back, completely empty. I didn't even know why I was there because usually, I'd be hiding under my bed trying to convince myself that cutting wasn't the answer. It was never the answer. Yet, it was always the solution, no matter the problem. "Okay," he wiped his nose. "I've got something that will make you really forget… for a while anyway." He walked over to his closet and pulled out a brown shoe box and tossed it on the bed. He rushed over next to me and smiled. **

** "Open it." I did as I was instructed, taking the top off slowly because one thing I know about boys, which isn't much, is that they love to play tricks on you.**

** Inside there was a couple pieces of tin foil, a tube, and a lighter. "Smoke her away. Trust me, one hit and you'll get better." **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4.2**

** That was the first time I'd ever done anything illegal. Well, illegal according to law- I'm always doing things that are "illegal" in the Webb household. I laid back on the bed and let the euphoria take over me. I don't know how to explain it, but it was like everything that was ever a problem was gone and I felt like no one could take this feeling from me ever. I looked to my right and the beautiful Josh was laying on his back, eyes closed and biting his lip. His breathing was light and the look on his face was so content. I wish I felt like that always.**

** "What is this?" I asked, staring at the side of his face. He was pale but in a beautiful way. Or in a creepy way. I couldn't tell- being high makes everything okay no matter what the issue is. "The guy I get it from calls it Snow. And if I ask him if it's snowin', he always says 'Bitch, am I the weather man?!' and hangs up. That means he's got some good shit and a lot of it." He bit his lip a little harder. "Snow?" "Heroin." I figured if I were sober, I would've freaked out but knowing that just made me laugh. Josh's eyes opened and he smiled at me. **

** "You're beautiful, Micah. 'Specially when you laugh." I quit laughing and sat up. I rubbed my face. "I've gotta go to school." I stood up and fell back a little onto him. He sat up, keeping his legs still so I wouldn't fall off. "That happens your first time. You'll be wobbly and weakish but you'll be okay." "I'm used to that." I rubbed my nose, stood up again and started out of the door. "Why're you used to that?" I turned around. "You know everything. Figure it out." I winked and walked out of the room. **

** I climbed the fence again just in time to see Matt's back facing me. I could pretend I wasn't high… well, that wouldn't work, I was sure of it. But at least he wouldn't see me sneaking out of a boys' house. I tried to breathe quieter but that made me laugh a little and I walked over to the car. The whole time, I felt like I was walking on a cloud… not even walking, but being guided over to my brother and his car. "Hi, fwend!" I said to him with a bit of a speaking problem. I shook my head to focus.**

** "Ah yes, Micah, this is Josh. New guy from next door. He's gonna ride to school with us." Josh peaked past Matt's grey and blue plaid shirt and waved using only his fingers.**

** "Huh? But you said…" Josh cut me off. "We should get going. I gotta find my classes." He spoke extremely slowly and it just seemed like he was telling an intense story that you had to pay close attention to in order to understand it. "I thought ya'll…" "Yeah, you're right. Micah- hop in. Stop being weird." Matt twisted up his face and got in the driver's seat of his brand new Avenger. Yeah, it's obvious he's dad's favorite. We climbed in and Matt sped off. Because he was the son of the "greatest cop in town", he got away with nearly everything. I, however, couldn't if I tried.**

** That thought alone started freaking me out but only in my brain. My body couldn't react to it. We got to school faster than I thought we would and I realized I was picking at my skin the whole ride. Once we stopped, Matt grabbed my hand. I looked up at him even though it was hard to focus. "Quit that. You're better than that, remember?" My brother was always perfect and everything he ever said to me was perfect. I didn't respond and I'm sure it got a little awkward in the car. But I couldn't tell. "Maya?" I shook my head. "Uh huh." I looked in the backseat and saw Josh staring at the back of the headrest in front of him. He was squeezing his arm really tightly. **

** Matt hopped out of the car and rushed towards the front doors. He was the smart one and before classes officially started, he had a quiz bowl or some shit. Josh snapped out of his daze once the door slammed shut. "Are you still high?" He smiled at me and I smiled back. He shook his head no. "I'm extremely aware. I hate it." He said. I shook my head. "Yep. Well, welcome to this hellhole, kid." Once in school, both of us were given looks that could've killed someone who'd never gotten them before. It was normal for me. Usually the looks were accompanied with "no wonder her mother killed herself", or "her brother's that hottie? Really?", and my favorite "how has she not killed herself yet?" **

** This time though, they all wondered who this weird cute guy with me was. One girl asked me if I hired him to be my boyfriend. I ignored her. Josh didn't. "No. But did you hire a plastic surgeon? Because if not, you should. And if you have… well, you need a **_**really **_**good lawyer 'cause that face ain't cute." He caught up with me and put his arm around my shoulders. "Thanks." I said with absolutely no emotion. He smiled. "Always." I stopped by the classroom Matt was in for practice and could hear him answering questions before the quiz master even got to finish them. "He's smart." Josh said in my ear quietly. "Yeah, he's perfect." I said a bit jealous and proud at the same time. The bell rang and when I looked towards Josh, he was already gone. **

** I wiped my face and made it to class right when the late bell rang. "Miss Webb, nice to have you join us." I gave a little fake smile to Mr. Payne as I sat in back of the room. He started to teach, something about some war but I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy deciding if I would eat or not. I was so damn hungry.**

** Classes went by, I was pushed around in the hallway, people pointed at me and snickered too. In the classrooms, it felt that even the teachers were making fun of me. I knew they were comparing me to Matt. Everyone always did. The lunch bell rang and everyone herded themselves towards the cafeteria, including myself. I stood in the corner, looking around for Josh or Matt but I couldn't find either one of them. Looking around, I felt more out of place than usual. I started scratching my arm, feeling like I had tiny bugs crawl over me, but I ignored and slowly came to a stop as I watched this really skinny girl slowly eat a piece of pizza. I won't lie, I watched her like a guy would watch a porno. I grabbed my growling stomach when someone tapped my shoulder. Josh.**

** "Where were you?" I asked, trying to make it sound like I was staring for him, not for me. "Bathroom." He says quietly and looks down. I shrug. "Well, half-hour free for lunch…" Before I could finish, he cut me off. "I already ate a little bit. First in line." He answered really quickly and I saw again that his eyes were glazed over. "You… um…" He shook his head before I could finish and that's when I noticed Matt coming into the cafeteria. Josh looked over at him too. The noise in the cafeteria didn't stop or anything but all of the girls started staring at him, Mike and Ian, that were coming in. Mike had a crush on me and though he was sweet… no. I'd corrupt him with my shit.**

_**My shit. **_**I started thinking about my mom again and how she came back like nothing happened. My dad and how he beat the fuck out of me all the time and didn't even blink twice and Matt, the golden child. Josh put his hand on my back and I winced. "What?" He quickly took it away and when I didn't answer, he lifted my shirt a bit. "You have a shoe print bruise? Is it a birthmark?" He asked innocently. I pulled my shirt down and rushed out of the cafeteria entrance, pushing past Matt, who turned around to chase me. "Micah! Micah!" He yelled after me. I started tugging on my hair and walked even faster. "Micah, please!" He grabbed my arm and spun me towards him, Josh right behind. **

** "What the hell?" He said looking at my face. "What's going on?" I started shaking. Josh's blue hair fell into his face and he pushed it back, revealing a scared and concerned, yet extremely peaceful expression. "I really want it to snow." I said staring at Josh. He shook his head like he understood. Matt let me go. "What? You're fuckin' weird, Micah." "That's not my name." I put my hands on my hips and he noticed a scar on my hand. "That happen from a double-edge?" My eyes widened and I pushed him away from me. "Fuck you, Matt!" "Micah- it's simple: stop!" I started yanking at my hair and Josh rushed to me. "I'm gonna take her and calm her down." He said, his 6'2 frame blocking me from seeing Matt's face. "Fine, whatever." He muttered and turned around, making his way back to the cafeteria. **

** "Come on." Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me around the corner, onto another hallway and behind some lockers. He pushed me against the wall. "What's going on?" He asked, smelling like pizza and soda. And ham and bread. Cake? Cake too. With yogurt. "Micah, what's going on?" His stomach growled and he looked down. "You should eat something." I said staring at his face. His eyes got wide, I'd caught on. "Why're you doing that?" I said, trying to regulate my breathing. He ignored me. "I've got a little snow in my bag." I didn't want it anymore but being against the wall with this beautiful eyed man towering me made me feel a tad intimidated yet attracted to him simultaneously. "Why're you doing that?" He put his head against the wall and closed his eyes tightly, like he was trying to make me disappear so he wouldn't have to answer me. **

** "Me too." I whispered. He stood back up and looked in my eyes. "Really? I mean… why?" I shrugged. I knew why but he wasn't allowed to know. Plus, who'd believe me? "The double-edge… that's a razor, huh?" I shrugged again and started walking away from him and towards the back door of the school. Josh followed close behind me quietly, making the hallway seem a little eerie. "You wanna know?" He whispered. I stopped walking. "I use snow to forget, 'Mia' to numb me, and self-harm to remind me that I'm alive." I put my head down and sighed. "What do you wanna forget?" He put his finger under my chin and lifted my face to his. "I know I never wanna forget you." He leaned in close. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

** My phone started ringing right before he could connect with my lips. "Shit." I mouthed, answering the phone. "Hey." We were still alone in the hallway but I could hear distant footsteps echoing elsewhere. "Bella!" My mother… mother? said on the other end. I didn't speak but instead watched Josh make funny faces at me near the lockers. I giggled. "Why're you laughing? This is serious." I rolled my eyes. "What?" "Matt called me. What's going on with you?" I looked away from Josh and tried not to have a panic attack. "Huh?" I barely got out.**

** "Yeah. He says he's worried. You're acting weird and something about a cut? I don't know- it was loud wherever he was. So, what's going on?" I started to shake and Josh rushed to my side. **_**You okay, **_**he mouthed. I started to tense up. "I don't know what he's talking about." I said in a high pitched, breathless way. Josh grabbed my free hand and squeezed it. "Well… alright. And just to let you know, I won't be around tonight. I've got some business to take care of and I don't know how long it'll take." "Oh… so you're leaving again?" This time my eyes fluttered and I know I was gonna fall down. Josh squeezed my hand again. "Are you?" He whispered. "Yeah, well, you know… things change. I thought I was ready to come home…" She started giggling. "Peter… hahhaha." "Don't come back this time, bitch." I didn't even get to hang up the phone before I dropped it and fell against the closest set of lockers. Holding my breath for so long had me losing color and my hands shook more than ever. **

** Josh made sure he kept me standing. "What happened? You okay?" I just stood there, staring at him. I needed to puke and cut and starve and drug myself until there was absolutely none of me left. I knew I couldn't go home. My dad left the house way too excited and if he knew that my mom wasn't coming back… again, he beat me worse than ever. But I couldn't tell Josh that. I collected myself as quick as possible. "Um… yeah, I'm fine. My mom's just… not the greatest." I didn't go into detail but Josh shook his head. "My family's really strong, so I can't say that I relate to you. But I know what it's like to take out pain on yourself." He was bringing up the cut on my hand again. "Not the same." I whispered. The bell rung and Josh stood in front of me. "Look at me." His voice was strong and stern and I couldn't help but look at him. "You're better than this shit. I've known you for what… 9 hours? And this whole time you've been amazing. Fuck what they've said. Fuck what they think they know." The hallways started to crowd up but it seemed like everything around us went slowly and we were the only thing in real time. **

** He leaned down and this time, our lips met. It wasn't like in the movies, since that's all I had to go on for tips and dreams, but way more romantic. He interlocked his fingers with mine and my heart rate slowed down. I always thought I'd feel nervous during my first kiss but I guess with the way the day was going, this was more calming than anything. Before I knew it, Josh was ripped away from my mouth.**

_**Matt**_**. "What are you doin'?" He yelled, putting too much emphasis on 'you'. "Damn, Matt. Calm down… I was just…" I quit listening when I noticed that Josh started scratching at his arm again. Then I noticed everyone in the school staring at us- which made me more self-conscious. "Keep your fucking hands off of her!" Matt yelled, pushing Josh by his chest. "Matt, come on man. She's old enough…" "Just don't, got it." Matt grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. I have no clue why he was being so protective right now. The one time I actually need him to not pay attention to me. I tried to pull away from him but his grip was way too tight. 'Reminded me of my dad's grip and that scared me more than anything. "Matt… Matt." I whispered, trying to squirm away from him. "Shut up." He pushed me behind him, everyone in the hallway watched quieter now. "I know who you are and what you do! Stay away from her!"**

** Josh leaned around him to get a glance of me. "Fuck you, Matt." I pushed past him and tried to go towards Josh but Matt grabbed me again and yanked me back. Josh got close to us and into Matt's face. "Don't test me." He whispered. "Boys, boys!" The bell rang just as Ms. Carowin was trying to break the fight up. "Class. Now!" The hallways started to clear up and Matt pulled me away with him and away from Josh. "Fuck this." Josh flicked us off, turned around, and walked toward the back door and out of the school. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

** I got in trouble when I went home. And a lot of it.**

**Matt made sure he told my dad what I'd been doing in school. That little bit of information alone was enough to be called a "disgrace" to our family. To disgrace Gregory Webb was more than a "no-no", it was a death wish. Matt didn't get in trouble when Ms. Carowin called to complain about Matt's disruption of class work and other random "disruptions" that he caused. Not to mention that both of them blamed me for my mother leaving. This was all happening too quickly.**

** "You whore!" He smacked me down in the living room and I fell sideways onto the tanned carpet. He pulled me up by my shirt collar to stand in front of him and got close to my face. Matt ate his cereal quietly in the kitchen. "How could you embarrass me?" He said through gritted teeth. He was still in his uniform… not a good combination for me. He pushed me back and I fell into the t.v and knocked a picture frame down. He kicked my side. "Your mother left again and because of you! Dumb cunt." He kicked me again. I heard Matt drop his spoon but other than that, not one peep from him. I tried to make sure that no tear came down my face. He wouldn't get that satisfaction. **

** He grabbed my hair and pulled me away from the t.v and then towards the middle of the living room again. He slammed my body onto the couch, smacking me. You know what's bad about this beatin'? He wasn't even drunk. He punched my chest which made me spit- blood. "Don't you **_**dare **_**bleed!" He yelled. "Dad, please!" Matt finally stepped in. Actually, he just yelled that from the kitchen. He never wanted to see it happen. "Shut up or you're next!" We both knew that was an empty threat but Matt got quiet again. My eyes kept rolling in the back of my head. I started seeing the same black spots I usually do when I make myself sick. At that point, I tried to run. Bad idea.**

** I made it to the third wooden stair to run upstairs but he grabbed my ankles, pulling me back. My chin hit each stair extremely hard and I could taste a lot more blood than before. He flipped me onto my back and pushed his work boot into my chest. "Biggest mistake of my life!" He pushed harder, stopping my breathing. My eyes felt like they would pop out of my head when he sat on me. He grabbed me by the hair again and slammed my head twice, three times onto the bottom stair. "Faggot." He said before slamming my head once more. One of my eyes was fully rolled back in my head at this point but I saw Matt run towards us. "Please!" He placed his hand on my dad's shoulder and he got off of me. "I fucking hate you." He spit on my body and went upstairs. **

** When we heard the bathroom door shut and the shower start, I started crying. Matt lifted part of me off of the floor and kept me in his arms. "This is my fault." He said. I couldn't speak, but if I could, I wouldn't have said anything nice. He started rocking me back and forth. You're probably thinking that he should call the cops but they would just take me to the hospital and cover up whatever my father did. There were plenty of stories for why something like this could've happened to me."I'm sorry." Matt kissed my forehead and I winced. Then, I blacked out.**

** I woke up early the next morning? No, I was blacked out for a full day. I was awake way before anyone else in the house was awake and finally looked at myself in the mirror. "Fuck." I mouthed at the reflection- that's when I realized that my lips were crusted over in dried blood. Two black eyes, both cheeks swollen and my chin cut in half and a bruise on my forehead only described what he did to my face. My head had huge knots going straight down my head and there was dried blood in my hair. Lifting my shirt, my whole stomach was blue and black. I tried touching my belly button and almost collapsed at the pain. I wanted to puke by just looking at myself. That's when I realized I hadn't eaten in over 42 hours. I was proud of that, even though it wasn't purposeful. **

** I kept staring at myself, unaware that I was being watched. "He's still mad." My brother said, walking into the bathroom. I jumped back a little as he closed the door leading from our bathroom to his bedroom. "What?" I whispered as I touched my cheek and flinched from the pain. I did it again.**

** "He's mad. Like, how could you do that, Micah?" I looked at Matt, extremely confused. "I kissed a boy. That results in this?" I pointed to my face. "What do you think he'd do if he knew about you and half the girls at school?" "Keep your voice down. And no, not cuz of that. Even though, you did look like a whore." I rolled my eyes. "No, about mom. Like, you made her leave." I huffed. "This same story? Really? Okay, I'm the reason mom left again. My name's Paul, in case you didn't know." I started to walk out of the bathroom before he could say anything but he spoke to soon. "She left a note. Said she couldn't stand being here because you made her feel like sh…" He cut himself off when we heard creaking. Our dad never liked us being up before him. Even if we made no noise, he blamed us for waking him up. Of course, Matt would get over and I would be blamed.**

** We didn't hear anything else so he kept talking. "She said you're too much to handle too. Your issues?" I folded my arms across my chest and stared at him. "What issues, Matt? No one knows anything about me. Right?" I stared daggers into him and he looked down. "You're pathetic." He whispered. I dropped my arms and the daggers turned into puppy dog eyes. I knew I was about to cry but I held it back. He looked up at me and I scoffed at him. "Yeah." He said. He walked back through to his room and as soon as he did, I started throwing shit. Anything and everything that my hands could get on was thrown across the bathroom and my room for a while, until I calmed down. **

** I couldn't take it anymore. At first, I started rummaging through my dresser drawers for my razors- it was done, over. I wouldn't fail this time and be ridiculed for it again either. I finally found them and held them to my left wrist but for the first time ever, I couldn't press down. So instead, I grabbed a duffle bag I had in the back of my closet and started packing all the clothes that would fit. Jeans and t-shirts, socks, underwear, a bunch of cash I'd hidden from my dad, about 800 bucks, and a little white and blue bear that Matt had given me when I broke my arm when I was 5 that I'd named Coda. I hugged Coda before stuffing it in the bag and sighed. The front exit made too much noise. So hopping out of my window was the only option. Tossing the bag first, I jumped out and landed feet first. I needed a real reason to leave and this was it.**

** I grabbed my bag and started walking towards the end of our street and was on my way to the highway. I was getting out of this town and I knew I couldn't fail at that. I looked at Josh's house before officially leaving and all I saw against the early morning sky was someone in all black standing in the front yard by a tree. When I walked up to it slowly, I could tell it was a guy punching a tree. "Fuckin' faggot." He said, and punched it again. **_**Josh. **_**I ran up to him.**

** "What the hell?" I'd dropped my duffle on the way up so he wouldn't ask questions. He kept punching until I grabbed his body and pushed him away. His hand was so bloody and his breathing was stronger than ever. I took his other hand in mine and tried to get him to look at me. "Josh… Josh!" His breathing got heavier. "Can I have your attention?!" I smacked his face just a tad and he finally blinked. He looked down at me and whispered, "Why do I try?" I stared at him blankly for a couple of seconds, not understanding what he was talking about. He coughed and snatched his hand from me. "What am I supposed to do?" He whispered. His eyes were red and puffy and just as glazed over as the other day. He was high and it was obvious that he'd been crying.**

** His pants were stained with fresh blood that was seeping through his light jeans and they had holes in them. "What. Happened?" I asked. He fell to his knees and looked up at me. His eyes seemed bloodshot now. "I can't keep being such a fuck up. I can't keep… I can't…" He stopped talking and just looked at me. His hair was all over the place and his focus was way off but there's one thing he said which made me know we needed to leave together, right then. "Don't patronize, I realize, I'm losing and this is my real life." **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

** I told him my plan and that I'd been patronized my whole life. He explained how'd he'd been saving money to run away too, he had about 3,000 bucks, completely separate from his "snow" fund, mind you. Since it was still early, he ran inside to pack a bag, get the money, his shoebox and some other stuff. He was back down 10 minutes later with his hand bandaged up. He held up his hand and bit his lip. "I get hurt a lot. Got a lot of bandage stuff." I shook my head because I knew that was code. We shared something way bigger than secrets- it was a connection. I'd never felt that with anyone but Matt. **_**Matt. **_

** Before I could ask, Josh pulled keys out of his pocket. "To my mom's car over there. I told you I prepared to run away before, so trust me when I do things." I didn't say anything and just followed him to his mom's Neon. We threw our bags in the backseat and sped off. Where? No clue. I was just blindly following another fucked up kid but I prayed it would be better than being home. Matt would be the only thing I missed, but I knew he wouldn't miss me. So really, if anything terrible happened, no one would miss me. **

** Josh was silent most of the ride. I would randomly glance at him from the passenger seat and I knew we didn't have to talk to connect. He was hurt more than I knew but it was enough to make sure he never came home again. We stopped at a red light and Josh looked at me. "Damn you look like hell!" He shouted. I think he was finally snapping out of his heroin trance. I put my head down. That's exactly what an eating disordered girl wanted to hear. "Sorry." I whispered. I don't know why he just realized what I looked like but I was already well aware of the fact that my face was completely busted. "What happened, Micah? Why're you doing this?" He started driving again.**

** I explained only how I'd gotten in trouble but didn't tell him that it was for kissing him, but for my mom leaving. I had to go back and explain that too, how she'd come back from the dead for a day and then left again, the same day. "So, why'd she come back?" Josh asked when we pulled into a car detailing shop. "No clue. But that 10 minutes really screwed me over… Hey, how'd you know in the beginning that she'd come back? And that thing with Matt and the phone…" Before I could actually finish, he just smiled and hopped out of the car. I got out too because I needed answers. "Andrew!" He called over to a tall redheaded guy who was talking to a customer and just left to come over to us. Josh leaned against the car and pulled out a cigarette. Seeing him light it with his messed up hand was hilarious but I held back my laughter. He tossed Andrew the keys. "You remember." He said. Andrew just shook his head, said "Gimme and my team 30 minutes," and then stared at me for a minute. I looked away and that's when he walked away from me again. **

** Josh took a drag of his cigarette and looked at me. "Hungry?" He asked. It was about 8 A.M at this point. I'd now gone what, 47 hours without food? I didn't need any. "You are, aren't you? You're shakin'." He didn't finish his smoke before putting it out and hugging me. "You have to eat." I didn't hug him back, I was numb to this conversation topic, I'd always been when it involved me. He let me go and motioned toward the McDonalds across the street.**

** We got there (it's not like I could leave) and I just sat across from him and played with my fingers. I figured if I kept my head down I wouldn't have to talk or even eat for that matter. I wasn't hungry anyway. Josh sat down with a tray of food and I could tell he smiled at me but I didn't want to lift my head. After a couple of minutes in silence, a few older women looked over at us and started pointing and whispering toward each other and I just knew they were talking about me. Probably wondering why a fat cow like me… wait, no. His hand was messed up and my face was black and blue and red all over. They probably thought he'd beat me. **

** Josh pushed a chicken sandwich towards me. I looked up at him and saw that he was smiling while popping a piece of hash brown in his mouth. "I'm really not hungry." I whispered and I looked over at the two women still looking at us. I needed to get out of there before they called the cops and I'd be dragged back home. That would be worse than anything- being taken back to the exact thing I was running from. "Well, I know some about you. Tell me more." I shook my head. "No. Tell me about how you knew about Matt when he acted like he didn't know you. And my mom… when I'd walked into your house…" He cut me off, again.**_** That **_**was getting annoying. "Ya know, some things are better left to the imagination. Maybe you were high during all of that. I mean, when I met you, you were on pills, right?" **_**Pills! **_**I'd packed some of those and could really use like… 27 right about now. **

** I looked back at the untouched biscuit in front of me. I started calculating the calories and figured it wasn't worth eating but I needed to not bring any attention to that. One of the old ladies stood up and walked over to us. "Hey sweetie." She started. I looked up and her and so did Josh. She turned her back toward him and started talking to me again. "Can I buy you some coffee?" She asked extremely sweetly but the only thing I could think of was calories. "Oh, thank you ma'am, but I'm perfectly okay." I said back, trying to sound upbeat. That in itself took a lot of energy. Josh bit his biscuit and smiled at me. That damn smile. It was captivating and I didn't ever want to take my eyes off of his face. The way his messy hair outlined his fa-… my thoughts were cut off by the woman again. **

** "Sweetie," she said again, "you can get some if you like. No one has to pull you around and tell you what you can and can't do." **_**Fuck, my face. **_**"Oh, no ma'am… do you think he…" I pointed to Josh. He looked around like he didn't understand what was happening. His eyes got wider and I smirked a little. "No ma'am. He didn't do this to me. I got in a fight." Josh put his head down and with his non-bandaged hand, he clinched his fist. I could tell his mind was racing. "With who?" I opened my mouth to speak, but this was the first time ever that I couldn't think of a lie right away. I was tempted to tell the truth but again, my dad the cop, who'd believe that? Behind her and out of the wall of windows, I saw two police cars pull up. **_**A ploy. **_**I stood up. "Josh, come on." The old lady stepped back. "Baby, please, they're here to help." She reached out to grab my arm but I snatched it back. I tried to get around her while Josh just sat there but I couldn't push past her. "Ma'am, please!" I started to get loud. My heart started beating extremely fast and I started squeezing my wrist tightly. I kept my eyes on the cops- Mario Hernandez got out of one car and Chris Hanley got out of the other. They were my dad's best friends. **

** I guess Josh saw how freaked out I was since he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. The old lady backed up and we started to run out of the restaurant and across the street. Andrew was standing next to a black Neon with different plates and held the key out to Josh. "Thanks." Josh ran towards the driver's side and I hopped in the passenger's, praying the whole time we'd get away. As soon as he took off in the opposite direction of the restaurant, I felt better. I reached in the backseat and grabbed my bag- I had a few pills in there that I needed. It was absolutely crucial in the moment. "What are you doin?" Josh asked while speeding through lights and intersections and almost killing us. I didn't care though, I just needed 10… maybe 20. **

** "Micah!" He yelled. I flinched at him yelling but kept going through my bag without any hesitation. I smiled when I found my bottle of sleeping pills. I knew that if I took enough, I'd just get euphoric, not sleepy. I pulled them out and Josh tried to swat them out of my hands. "No!" He said keeping his eyes on the road. "Fuck you." I whispered and he quit trying to swat my hands. I opened the bottle and poured, I don't even know how many, straight into my mouth. I'd taken so many pills in my life by this point that I didn't even need water. I sat back and closed my eyes. "Why?" "I needed to calm down." "That's bad for you." "Says the heroin addict." "Whatever, Micah." "You didn't have to come, ya know?" The car grew silent and Josh slowed to a stop. When I opened my eyes, we'd pulled over to the side of the road.  
"I'll be back." He climbed out of the car and ran into a mini-forest off the side of the highway. I sat up and looked around to see if I recognized anything. I didn't. I had no idea where Josh was taking me but wherever it was, it had to be better than my house. Josh came back after a while and when he looked at me, his eyes were bloodshot. It looked like he'd been crying but I knew the truth. He looked down and whispered something about perfection but I didn't want to press the issue. I understood where he was trying to go with it though.**

** "You're gonna regret that dry purge." I said a few minutes later. My body tingled some and I smiled because I knew the pills were kicking in. "Already do." He said back with a really raspy voice. "Where are we going?" "Your words are slurrin' pretty badly. I don't like that you took that many." "Whatever, heroin addict." He slammed on the brakes in the middle of the highway which resulted in a shit ton of honks and middle fingers. "You seem to have this all figured out huh? You got your head on straight, huh?" I was trippin' balls so none of it made sense to me. "I'm the one that knows what's going on! I'm the one that's smarter than you! It's me! Me!" He raised his hand to me and I slumped down in my seat and used my arms to cover my head. I started breathing heavily. **

** "Oh God. Micah, no." He reached out to touch me and I screamed. "Don't you dare!" He snatched back and his face was filled with terror. I couldn't breathe at all and opened the passenger side door, which opened directly into oncoming traffic. **


End file.
